Laundry Detergent: Home-brew that Protects Your Security Clearance

Last week, I did something I probably shouldn't have.  Something my mother would absolutely advise against and probably strongly disapprove of.  It wasn't illegal, and it was socially acceptable, broadly speaking, but there was still a lot of risk involved.  Risk to my professional image, to my social standing, to my financial well-being, but I did it anyway.  

That's right.  I made my own laundry detergent.

I have an elderly dog.  Like seriously, elderly geriatric.  Sam has more age than I have patience, but he still demands his walks.  Extremely long, extremely slow walks.  When he first became very slow, I found myself getting impatient with him and then getting frustrated with myself.  He is my dog, and he and I have 15 years of togetherness.  If he wants to stroll at Sunday-driver speed and sniff the same leaf for two and a half minutes, I want to let him.  So fortunately for us both, I discovered podcasts.  I listen to a lot of them, but I have a soft spot in my heart for the health ones.

Maybe I'm gullible.  Maybe I'm having flashbacks of my early childhood spent with hippie parents who kept an organic garden and taught me to read from reprinted 19th-century McGuffey readers. Maybe my issues with chronic pain have rendered me particularly susceptible to any snake oil that might possibly improve my quality of life.  But whatever the root cause, I find myself particularly drawn to anything that promises to decrease my pain, improve my energy, or alleviate any of the 35 non-specific symptoms that every holistic treatment promises to heal.  I'm not convinced that unspecified toxins and weird chemical ingredients that the FDA has approved--potentially after too-cozy relationships with the chemicals' producers--cause my assorted health issues.  But I'm also not convinced that they don't.

This is probably a good time to mention two other key points.  First, I am cheap.  I had a grandfather who died too young for me to really remember who apparently cherished his Scotch-Irish heritage as an explanation for his frugality.  I totally respect this, whether it was true or just an easy excuse.  Second, I am not a stickler for quality laundry.  In fact, if you picture the type of person--probably your mother--who takes pride in keeping her whites white and would never allow a loved one out in public wearing wrinkles, I am that person's exact opposite.  If it doesn't smell and any apparent stains can be covered with a scarf or explained away as something that happened that same day, I'm cool with it.  So I was a perfect person to try out a homemade laundry detergent that promised to save me money and significantly reduce nasty things like dyes, perfumes, and preservatives.

I am sitting here today, underneath my laptop and my freshly-cleaned blanket, to tell you that this was absolutely the right choice.  My new detergent option is amazing; after.a wash in my home-brew concoction and a rinse in a little white vinegar and rose essential oil as softener, my clothes and sheets have emerged looking clean, smelling fresh, and feeling amazing, all for a very small fraction of the price of my previous standby Tide or the less-toxic version I'd started picking up at Whole Foods.  I can't say that my new arrangement has yet led to any fewer headaches, and there was an unfortunate incident when I too all the skin off a knuckle while grating a bar of soap, but I can say that my laundry is coming out as good or better than before, and costing me far less.  I'm definitely going to keep this up, and I might even try homemade dishwashing detergent next.

Just please don't tell my mother.